The Fathom Gazette
Sightings, letters and a great deal of denial, from the newspaper of record for things that are probably not under the water.
Fiction. Legends, sightings and most of the crew are invented. The submarine is real.
The Fathom Gazette · No. 1 ·
Something Big Off the Heads
Ferry passengers report a shadow “the size of a tram” passing under the morning service.
Commuters on the morning ferry were treated to an unscheduled sighting yesterday when a vast shape passed beneath the hull, rocked the coffee cart and departed without paying the fare.
“It looked at me,” said one passenger, who asked not to be named because her manager thinks she was in a meeting. Mrs Winifred Gale, harbourmaster, has updated her chart and raised her prices.
“It looked at me, and then it looked at my muffin.” — A ferry passenger
The Fathom Gazette · No. 2 ·
Captain Denies Everything
The commander of a so-called submarine refuses to discuss the monster, the noise, or the mooring fees.
Reached via what he described as “a perfectly ordinary speaking tube”, the captain of the Nautilus declined to comment on reports of a monster wrapped around his vessel. “There is no Beast,” he said. “And if there were, it would be a very rude one.”
He then asked our reporter whether she was wearing sandals, and ended the conversation.
“I was wearing sandals. I have not been invited back.” — Our reporter
The Fathom Gazette · No. 3 ·
Brass Crab Loose on Quay
A clockwork crustacean is seen counting fishermen, then leaving in a hurry.
Fishermen at dawn reported a small brass crab walking the length of the quay, stopping beside each of them with a click, and then scuttling off the end of the pier in the direction of open water.
“It counted us,” said one. “There were three of us. It didn’t seem happy.” Readers will recall the Society’s legend of the crab who counted to three.
“Click, click, click, then a long disappointed click.” — A fisherman
The Fathom Gazette · No. 4 ·
Expedition Returns, Ninety Minutes Later
Scientists sent to find a sea monster come back with a submarine story instead.
The scientific expedition sent to investigate the sea monster returned yesterday, slightly damp in spirit and very pleased with itself. Members describe being taken aboard a failing submarine, fixing it, and surfacing with seconds to spare.
Professor Isolde Marrow, leading, said the monster “was there, technically, on the other side of the porthole”. Her notebook has been sent for peer review.
“Observe first. Panic second. We mostly managed the first one.” — Professor Isolde Marrow
The Fathom Gazette · No. 5 ·
Nautilus Bound for Melbourne
The captain is said to be “appalled” to learn his submarine is going to Collins Street.
Shipping notices confirm that the Nautilus will surface in Melbourne this November, at 259 Collins Street, which our correspondent notes is some distance from the sea.
The captain’s only recorded response is an entry in his log, underlined twice. Mrs Gale has opened a Melbourne office.
“Collins Street. Him Downstairs. I give it a week.” — Mrs Winifred Gale
The move to Melbourne is real: Captain Nemo opens at 259 Collins Street on 6 November 2026.
